I feel shallow

when I think about wanting a huge fan base based off of my looks.
I feel shallow when I get jealous over people and stop myself from thinking what mean thought would come next.

I feel like an idiot half the time when I'm talking to my friends.

I hate complaining because it makes me look weak or bitchy.
So, instead of complaining, I hold it back and worry about how bitchy I will sound when I finally snap from everything that is building on my shoulders.

I know I'm not alone with my feelings and what I go through, but I don't know if you understand like how I know.
Like how I don't feel like I'm not appreciated enough. And when I feel like that I feel like a bitch for thinking and/or feeling it.
Everything I do or think I second-guess myself. Every single thing. It's barely an exaggeration.
What I say, what story I remember and share, what fact I think, what answer I give, what grade I get, what smile I push out.
It's like I'm never right, or I'm never being listened to when I do say something.

I hate thinking ' Well, I usually don't voice my opinion, so when I just did.. wouldn't that count for something a little more?'
Because I know it doesn't. Life isn't like the movies. And people are selfish.

I've been so let down and so dissapointed lately by the ones who mean most to me. It's breaking me down, causing me to completely second guess everything I have, who I am, what I thought.

Oh, well maybe she didn't say that for sure. Oh, well maybe there's a legitimate reason. Oh, well maybe I heard wrong. Oh, well maybe I'm not right. Oh, well maybe I'm wrong all the time. Oh, well maybe it's stupid for me to get my hopes up and set my mind to something.

But, it's not! It's fucking not. It's not my fault, not anymore.
You did say it was a definite.
There's never a legitimate reason.
You can never hold your word.
Time after time and it's starting to drive me nuts.
Why am I the only reliable person?
Why am I the only one who is most countable?
I can't be friends with myself like that. I know I'll be there early, I know I'll be there at the time I say I will. I know I'll get the tickets when I say I will. No ifs or ands or buts. I do everything so quickly, so productively and I make sure it's the best for all of them.

I'm sick of doing all of this time after time and receiving nothing.

I feel so selfish and stupid and bitch-tastical and way too mad for ranting like that about the friends who have helped me. But what about now?
I've been acting unlike myself.
They know I don't talk in person about my feelings.
Do they ask again, question my answer?
Shouldn't they know me better by now? It's not like I never share how I feel with them.

Why is it me who has to ask?




I'll post this.
Then I'll regret everything in a moment.
But these feelings only subside, they don't disappear.